Diversity and other things

I said in the last post that I'd say something about the course I'd got on at the Quaker study centre in Birmingham. Well,,, it was about the wide diversity of belief amongst Quakers. Most people think of us as a religious group but then there are Quakers who don't believe in a God... and others who have a pretty conventional view of Christianity. I said at one point that I thought most people who call themselves Christians would accept two basics: first, that Jesus was the one unique incarnation of God, and second that his death in some way enabled the salvation of mankind. As I don't believe either of those things, certainly not expressed like that, I feel I've moved on from orthodox Christianity and would call myself a Post-Christian, that is someone who tries to follow the teachings of Jesus but without attaching any kind of 'magic' either to Jesus the person or to his teachings as they have come to us in the bible.

But enough of theology. The weekend was also great because of the company, the setting, the lovely gardens, and because by staying on an extra night I was able to see my daughter and grandson who live down in Oxfordshire. That was good too: and I couldn't have done this if I hadn't gone by car (or not easily, at any rate). I'd taken my lovely new car, called Buttercup because it's bright yellow, largely because having only got on the course at the last minute it was too late to get cheap train tickets. And when I left on the Monday, I could pootle back home at whatever pace I liked, avoiding the horrendous road works that delayed me literally for hours on the way down, and stopping when I felt like it.

Going by car, of course, isn't even slightly greenish when there's only one person in it, even when it's a greenish car with low emissions and only £35 a year road tax. But whilst public transport has such a silly fare structure, people will go on using cars. If all the trains were cheaper, we'd all use trains, they'd have to put more on and so there would be more money to invest in infrastructure. It could be a positive feedback system....

And meanwhile I've been having conversations about why others think I should be vegan and why I shouldn't have a kettle. Apparently cows pass so much methane it contributes more per meat-eater to greenhouse gases than a 4x4. (I find that hard to believe, especially as the statistic comes from a confirmed vegan! I mean, they would say that, wouldn't they. The kettle one was even odder: apparently, if you have a gas hob, it pollutes the world less if you boil water in a saucepan on a gashob, because the power stations that power your kettle are so inefficient. Again, I'm unclear: nuclear power stations, whatever other problems they bring, don't produce much by way of greenhouse emissions, and nor do wind farms: I'm on a green energy tariff.

What it all goes to show is that the issues aren't as straightforward and obvious as some would have you believe. My advice: don't believe what people with vested interests tell you, and use common sense.

OH, dear! I really am NOt a natural blogger. I'd intended to write every day on my trip away...ah, well, I'll try to make up for it a little.

the rest of my Cornish trip was wonderful: you can see a little of it on my friend Angie's blog (Angie's Aspirations, on here). We visited St. Michaels Mount, the Lizard and had a day shopping in Truro. At the end of the week I was dropped off at my cousin Anne's in Bristol: I'd met her for the first time only last year at my Dad's memorial service. We got on just so well, had a lovely day visiting the SS Great Britain (the world's first luxury liner) and Wesley's first chapel, the New Rooms in Bristol. Then it was off to catch the EasyJet to Edinburgh, to stay with my friend Madeleine before talking to Quakers about the Quaker operation in Europe, on the council of which I served for seven years or so across the millenium year. That too was a very pleasant episode: Madeleine and I worked together organising the huge Quaker event in York this summer - that is, we were both on the organising committee - and her husband Robin does the same job I once did with the Open University, training and managing tutors.
I finally got home on the Wednesday afternoon, nearly a week ago now, to a committee meeting in the evening and a study group the next day! Sing ho for being retired..... and then I heard I had a place on a course at the Quaker study centre in Birmingham. More of that next time.

Tis again a long time since I've posted on here. But right now I'm on an extended trip away from home, and it may be of a little interest to some to see what I've been up to.

First stop, then, last Friday, was in London. I went down, travelling First Class which I must confess I do find more comfortable nowadays, for a meeting of the Quaker Yearly Meeting Agenda Committee. This was the first meeting of the cycle to plan for the meeting next May, so it was mostly about getting to know new members and becoming a team. I was privileged to be able to offer an epilogue on the Saturday: I read Oriah Mountain Dreamer's inspirational prose poem 'The Invitation' (see http://www.oriahmountaindreamer.com/), and having discovered how to play music through my laptop from my MP3 player, I played the first section of the second movement of Schubert's haunting string quintet in C - listen on Spotify if you don't have a CD. It was a good weekend, we did get through a lot, with a new clerk (chair) and I left feeling well pleased.

I stayed on Sunday night with my eldest daughter Clare in London, and we went walking in the afternoon in their local preserved woods. This is an area beside the Grand Union Canal, roughly in Greenford, which was established and preserved by Gilbert White of Selboure fame, and it's called Selbourne Woods. It was a lovely afternoon, and a pleasant way to relax after being in committee all weekend. You can see the canal through the railings, behind my daughter and her husband.

Monday morning saw my hosts and my granddaughter all off early to work and school respectively, leaving me to get up at my leisure, wash my hair and pack in peace and without haste. In due course I took a bus to Ealing Broadway and a train to Paddington, where I lunched on a steak pie whilst waiting for my train to Cornwall. First Great Western use refurbished but old rolling stock and engines, the old HST sets, but - especially in First Class - it was very comfortable. I sat at a table for four with one other person (a rather nice man!) sitting diagonally opposite, and had the table all to myself for the last third of the journey. I'd intended to watch a film en route, but spent the time doing 'The Times' test sudokus for selection to the National Championship finals. By the time we reached Redruth I'd done all four, though hardly in the time expected of the experts!

I was met at Redruth by my honorary niece Angie, and so began a lovely relaxing week in Cornwall. More of this on the next post.

Back to the blogging

It's been nearly two years since the last post. I guess I'm not a natural blogger. But a friend has just started a new blog, and that's inspired me to go back to this one.

The elections for the European Parliament will soon be upon us. Most people in the UK regard this as a totally yawnsville event, something that doesn't affect us and simply isn't worth bothering with. We're expecting a turnout of 20%. And yet what the European Parliament does affects us all, on a day to day basis, and quite a bit of our domestic legislation is simply putting into place what's been agreed on in Brussels.

Climate change is one of the big issues of this election, and indeed of this year. The Copenhagen Summit in December is really our last chance to take action: if we don't come up with an agreement to take drastic and immediate measures, then soon it will be too late, we will be in positive feedback, the warmer we get the warmer we'll become and that will be the end for the human race and a lot of other species on our planet. I want my grandchildren's grandchildren to survive, but for many of you - if you're under about 35 - it's doubtful that even your grandchildren will live out their natural span. Go and see 'The Age of Stupid' if you've not seen it: and in my view it gives a fairly optimistic picture, not an alarmist one.

I was at a meeting of four of our EuroParliament candidates on Friday. Two of them - the Green Party candidate and the LibDem member - put Climate change at the top of their agenda. If everyone who believed in the importance of addressing this issue voted Green, the Green candidates would get in everywhere, because so few people actually vote at all: but I make no secret that my vote is with the LibDems. Our candidate for North East England is a sound and experienced MEP, not at all a single issue person, and seems to me the most likely to influence the Parliament to deliver value for money. If you've seen Nigel Farage's Party Political for UKIP, by the way, don't believe it: I personally think that much of what he says is simply untrue. (Was it he who said Britain is not at war - where has he been these last few years!!)

But whatever your views - if indeed anyone actually reads this - can I urge you to use your vote on June 4th or whenever it is, and show that you're aware enough to realise that the European Union and its structures affect us all and so need people who are chosen by us as a whole, not just a few of us.

Green Ariel

Knowing my liking for opera, my lovely Significant Other decided to take me for a weekend in London. He had managed to get a special offer on a room in the Hoxton Hotel, just round the corner from Old Street station, and had seen that the Royal Opera at Covent Garden were putting on a new, contemporary opera of ‘The Tempest’ which happens to be his favourite Shakespeare play. So he obtained two tickets for that as well: and it all came to pass last weekend.

The train down was crowded – end of term at Durham University, and well over half the train was reserved from Durham to London. And owing to the vagaries of Internet booking, you can’t get two seats together when one is with a wrinklies railcard and the other with a kiddicard (well, OK, Under 26 Young Persons card!) But the nice young lady in the seat next to me was quite happy to swap with Tommy so we were able to travel together. Just as well, really, as I’d made the sandwiches for both of us!

If you travel more than about twice within London, it’s worth getting an Oyster Card. It costs about £3 on top of the money you put on it, and you get that back if you give it up anyway. I’d been bought one as a birthday present, back in February, so our first job was to get Tommy one as well. This done, we headed for Old Street – oh, and it is so lovely to have someone else to carry the luggage. All I had to do was steer – somewhat necessary as certain people have a habit of heading for the wrong train, almost instinctively! On arrival, a brief study of the map showed the way to the hotel: I foolishly lost confidence at one point and asked a man for directions, only to find we were about twenty yards from the main entrance! We checked in, and found that the room was truly delightful – a lovely bathroom (albeit shower rather than bath, but a magnificent double shower, really good), a flat screen TV and a very comfortable bed. We had relatively little luggage to stow away, and then we had time to flop (well, use your imagination!) for a time until about four, when after a cup of tea it was time to dress for the evening. I had brought my glamorous asymmetric-hem black skirt and top, with clinky gold bling to wear with it, and my lace mantilla (genuine Spanish, if from a tourist shop in Torremolinos) to cover my shoulders. We were fortunate with the weather: it was a relatively mild evening, and I took the risk of not wearing my posh warm coat but going out with just the mantilla. A tad chilly at first, but I was to be glad I’d made that decision, the coat would have been a fearful nuisance most of the time.

We found Salieri’s restaurant, picked off the Internet, and chosen in spite of a couple of dubious reviews. There was a queue coming out of the door: normally a good sign for a restaurant, but a tad worrying when you’ve booked a table and there isn’t an empty one in sight. We weren’t the only ones: we tried to move to the front of the queue only to find that there were two other couples also with bookings. They clearly take more bookings than they have capacity! So we weren’t seated until 6.15, and with the opera starting at 7.30 we were somewhat anxious. But in fact the food was excellent, very good value indeed, and the service once we were seated was quick and efficient. Nice atmosphere, too: if you go to the website it plays the overture to ‘Figaro’, and in the restaurant itself, a piece I thought at first was Mozart but in fact, to my shame, was the last movement of Beethoven’s fourth symphony. Ah well, it was being played quietly and there was a lot of chatter noise to mask it, that’s my excuse.

The meal consumed, on to the Royal Opera House, a mere five minutes walk up the road. In spite of Doubting Thomas wondering if I was going the right way, we found it very easily, and went up to the gallery to find our seats. It’s a great building for opera, you can hear well from every single seat in the house.

The opera was stunning. I’d been a little dubious about a full length piece composed in uncompromisingly modern style (I’d listened to a clip from the Internet). But it was very atmospheric, very sensuous, very much putting over in the music the sense of what was being sung. Although it was in English, you didn’t have to strain to hear the words because they were displayed on a small screen above the stage – I’ve seen that done for translations many a time, but never before for an opera in English. The set was most imaginative – a centrepiece like two halves of an open book, though one had a circular hole in it, and it all revolved very slowly so you suddenly realised it had moved without actually seeing it do so. And the singers were truly first rate: Philip Langridge, who’s recently sung Loge in Wagner’s Ring cycle on television, Ian Bostridge, and the incomparable Simon Keenlyside singing Prospero. I’d not come across any of the women, but they too were excellent, especially Ariel - costumed in luminous green - who has a very high part, all the time singing at the top of her register. Even the comics, the drunken Trinculo and Stephano, were excellent. So all in all, highly recommended. The interesting thing for me was that I came to this from a very traditional classical background of Mozart and Verdi, whereas Tommy came from knowing much more of the contemporary music scene but not in the classical genre – and we both found the music more than just acceptable – it engaged us both at a deep level, and that speaks volumes for the composer Thomas Adès.

After the opera we went back to the hotel, not particularly feeling like staying out (my lack of coat becoming a factor here!) and knowing we had a bottle of wine stashed away there. We arrived along with a fire engine! Apparently there had been some kind of alarm in a room, and they were checking it out. So we sat in the bar for a few minutes before the lifts were back in operation (no way was I walking up six floors, not having done the ROH gallery once!) and we could retire to our eyrie. The wine was good, and with a sense of the sublime to the ridiculous we watched Match of the Day. We weren’t long in getting into bed, both tired but happy after a memorable evening.

That’s probably enough for here: episode two in a bit.

Omnibus, for all.

It’s been a long time since I put an entry on here. It’s not that I’ve not been doing anything – quite the reverse! I’ve just not found, simultaneously, the time, energy and inspiration to do so.

It’s feeling like a long winter: a long, cold winter. For me there has been a considerable brightening from my lovely younger man, who is a real soulmate and constantly surprises and delights me – not so much with what he does as with what he thinks and how his mind and values work. He’s perhaps a tad less greenish than I am – a distressing tendency to leap in a car, albeit a small, shared and energy-efficient one, and drive to places; but then he lives out in the sticks where there is about one bus a fortnight which goes to within two miles, that’s what they call public transport out there. I don’t know I’m born, living here on a load of bus routes and with several more not two minutes walk away, that will take me to Newcastle, Blyth, Cramlington, Jarrow, Sunderland and many other places, not to mention the metro within four minutes if you run as I had to this morning!

And we’ve just had this report that says that global warming is a certainty, and they are 90% sure that it’s due to human activity. Personally I can’t see where the doubt comes from: we know how much oil we’ve burned and how much carbon dioxide that puts into the atmosphere, so what other reason could there possibly be for the alarming rise in CO2 concentration. Frederick Forsyth, on Question Time last Thursday, suggested that the evidence isn’t conclusive: just how irresponsible can you get! If we wait for the evidence to get even more conclusive, it will be too late: the planet will be on an irreversible course to destruction, and that means my grandchildren won’t live out their natural lifespans. It’s that close, believe me.

So I’m in two minds about signing the petition against road pricing: whilst I don’t want to be spied on, I do want people to be very seriously discouraged from motoring. Not that this is the main problem: I personally think that it’s air travel, with its untaxed fuel, that is growing at a rate so alarming that we need to recognise, now, that we’ll have to live with inconvenience. And I say that having just booked to fly to Vancouver this summer. When I can afford it, I’ll be putting money into more efficient stoves in Mexico to reduce carbon emissions by the amount, or more, that my share of my flights will cause – but will the rest of the passengers? I doubt it.

Later this week, I’m going to hear a talk from a friend who’s been to see relatives in New Zealand – by boat. I imagine he chose this means of travel partly, at least, for green reasons – but have you seen what it costs to cross the Atlantic by sea? It’s about the same as club class travel on a bad day. This reflects my own experience last November, when I had to go to London for a meeting and found the cheapest rail ticket home was around £70, even with a railcard. (I’d gone from Chesterfield, having been at another meeting all weekend in Derbyshire.) However, I found I could fly home on EasyJet from Stansted for a mere £20, including taxes, plus another tenner for the train fare out to the airport. So that was what I did: someone else was paying my expenses, and I couldn’t justify asking for over twice as much. The plane was no quicker – in fact it was slower, and arguably less convenient as it meant a load of security hassle at the airport, including having to take off my shoes and have them X-rayed – but it was almost full, so at least the fuel emissions weren’t wasted on just a few passengers. But how can it possibly be cheaper to travel by plane than by train? The answer is that it isn’t, but you pay less because of pricing structures. EasyJet have found a formula for filling planes, and it’s simple: the first seat is the cheapest and from then on it gets more and more expensive. When I booked to go to Vancouver, my seat was £2 more than my friend’s, because I booked second. I don’t doubt the plane will be full: at about £200 for a one way trip, it’s a snip (BA and KLM are both around £700 return, almost twice as much). By contrast, GNER have a pricing structure that doesn’t fill trains because they’d be full anyway: it just does a rather pointless distribution of the cost unevenly amongst the passengers. Last week I came home, same trip, from London for £10! Now in Belgium, where they apologise if the train is five minutes late – contrast to the UK where they proudly announce that most of their trains are no more than five minutes late! – there is one fare. The single is twice the return: First Class is 50% more than standard. Peak trains may cost a tad more, though as I don’t usually travel on them I can’t say for sure. But there is none of this advance purchase and SuperSaver stuff: there’s one price and that’s it. If we had the same here, the train fare could beat EasyJet into the ground.

All this rant points to one conclusion: if we are going to be serious about reducing carbon dioxide emissions, we have to take radical steps to both improve and increase public transport. My experience of GNER is that most trains are full: that’s partly because I travel a lot at weekends as that is when my meetings are. But when I’ve gone midweek it’s not been very dissimilar. We need longer trains, then, to take more people – Virgin Cross-Country run little four or five coach units that are hopelessly small to take a lot of passengers, and hopelessly slow too. (How can it take longer to travel the 200 miles from Newcastle to Birmingham than the 300 from Newcastle to London?) We need cheaper trains, subsidised by taxing road travel more. Yes, there’ll be an outcry but people can become aware of what they do to the planet on the roads. And we need bus links to everywhere, not just the profitable routes. Buses should be a public service, not a commercial business.

Then, and only then, we might just have a chance of saving the planet.

Eurostar Vert

Yes, you can go on a weekend break without ever seeing an aeroplane! I did, we did: Tom and I went off to Lille last weekend to visit the Christmas Market. To say that it was a wonderful weekend would be an understatement.

Ah, I hear you cry, who is this Tom, then? Well, we met on line, as one does: I’d been having trouble with a rootkit (you don’t want to know, it makes an ordinary virus look positively benign!) on my laptop and he fixes a major Government computer system for a living. So it seemed natural to meet up: and eventually, after a couple of tries and reaching the conclusion that a complete rub-out-and-start-again was the only valid answer to the problem, he took it away, rebuilt all the software and brought it back fixed. And naturally I gave him a meal, as cooking for others is both a skill and a joy, and we talked: he has a degree in computing and philosophy, so we had a lot of common areas of interest. His previous relationship of seven years had also recently come to an end, though happily they are still good friends (just as well, as they share a car, a wonderful Citroen C5 convertible which I instantly nicknamed the Orange Peril because of its colour!), and what with one thing and another I think you’d now describe us as an item.

Lille was a fascinating town. Right in the middle is the Marché de Noel, a series of huts selling all kinds of stuff, starting of course with mulled wine and frankfurters and things, and including some gorgeous cushion covers, three of which will soon be adorning my sitting room, some exasperating wooden puzzles (take it to bits, easy, but then put it together again?) of which a grandchild is going to be the unfortunate recipient, and many more. Several were selling some pretty costume jewellery, but as Tom’s ex girl friend makes that herself, it seemed a bit like taking coals to Newcastle used to be. All in all, a very enjoyable wander round, and a good source of lunch on the hoof as well.

In a nearby square were some children’s entertainments, a miniature railway, a roundabout and so on. And in the square between the two was the Wheel. This was a big Ferris wheel with open gondolas – only 3 euros for a trip about four times round – with great views from the top, though it was a tad chilly in the wind! We went round with music playing and the mulled wine sellers doing a roaring trade, and I’ve not felt so happy for many a long year. I wanted to dance in the street and do something really daft: though you’ll be glad to know common sense prevailed and I avoided behaving like a first year undergraduate high on Spanish plonk!

We were incredibly lucky with our hotel. We’d picked the Citadines Lille Centre on the Internet, using hotels.com (a reliable and good site in my experience, it’s the second time I’ve used them and found I’d picked a winner): it was less than five minutes walk from the Lille Europe station for a start, so everywhere we wanted was in walking distance. It’s what they call an apart-hotel – that is, it’s like a hotel but you get an apartment with a mini kitchen and a ‘studio’ with a sofa for day that’s the quite comfortable bed at night. It has the huge advantage that you can nip out to the Carrefour, all of 50 yards away, in the morning for fresh croissants and pain au chocolat, and there’s your breakfast, as early or late as you want it. We were on the tenth floor and so had a view over half the city to greet us.

We were also lucky with the weather. We’d looked up the forecast on line, and it said rain and showers and dull, all the time: but the two full days we were there it was sunny and clear almost all the time, and only on the last morning did the rains come and make our cardboard carrier bags wet! For we’d been shopping, of course. There’s a Leonidas Belgian chocolate shop in Lille, and I know well from frequent visits to Brussels on Quaker business over the last eight years how nice their product is. And there’s also a FNAC, a kind of real-life Amazon selling books, DVDs, CDs and much more besides: I found three operas at only 15 euros each, a real bargain. Tom had his own particular joy here, finding a vinyl disc of Nirvana with pictures printed on both sides of the disc itself, a real rarity nowadays. (I didn’t mention his other talent: he writes reviews of bands of various kinds for e-gigs on line and a Northern music magazine, and is a real festival geek!)

And there were the boots. I’d seen some very stylish looking brown knee boots in one shop we were passing, but found the usual story – when I tried them on, the largest size was a tad too small. But on our last morning, between getting up and going to check in for our lunchtime Eurostar back home, I saw another such shop, tried on a pair and lo! They fitted like a glove. So I bought them, and the last few days I’ve been wearing them and feeling very elegant. A weekend to remember, then, not just because of the markets and the shopping but because I think it marks the start of a new and valuable friendship. And although Tom is much younger than I am, that’s no barrier to either of us: long may the friendship last, then.

Free, single and looking!

At last: yesterday, I got divorced. Well, to be technically accurate, after two hours hard negotiating and some imaginative thinking by our lawyers, my ex and I came to an agreed court order for the settlement of our joint finances, and I was given leave to apply for my decree absolute which will be issued by post some time in the next week.

We were in court in Doncaster, because my ex lives in Cambridge and the judge in Tunbridge Wells, where it all started in 1990, had said that it would be fairest to move it there because this was mid way between Cambridge and Newcastle. And it wasn’t the greenest of travel: I had driven down to a friend’s who lives in a village nestling in what is now the fork of the A1M and the M1: driven because she lives a way from the nearest station and also because I wanted to travel with a choice of smart clothes depending on the weather. Just as well: the dawn broke on mist and drizzle, definitely trouser weather! However, a short drive to the station and a train to Selby with a connection to Doncaster was the plan, except the train to Selby didn’t arrive and when I rang to enquire, they said it was running 13 minutes late and they couldn’t guarantee the connection. As the next train from Selby to Doncaster was two hours later, I took the only option guaranteed to get me to court on time: I drove. It’s not all that far, only about 25 miles, but it wasn’t the best way to start the day.

However, I give all credit to the lawyers: I think that they found for us the fairest possible settlement. Once our ex marital home is sold, I will have a little capital, enough to enhance my income a bit and enough to make me feel financially secure. And I am utterly delighted that we managed to reach an agreement and not have a settlement imposed by a judge: I feel it leaves the way open for reconciliation and friendship and mutual support in a way that a battle would not have done. I wanted to go and give the ex a hug and indeed my lawyer suggested to the other side that we might just have a few moments to celebrate agreeing: but the other side didn’t feel able to do that. Such a pity: it would have been cathartic for both of us, but then they never were aware of things like that.

So now the long trick’s over, and I can get on with the rest of my life. Free now: on Monday week I should also become solvent again! This is when my pursuit of the Dept. of Work and Pensions comes to its climax, and I argue that I should be able to take my pension under the deferral rules and so get a higher weekly amount rather than a lot of back pay. As everyone else is offered a choice here and the options are regarded as equivalent, I really cannot understand why they have resisted in my case, and as far as I can see they don’t have a leg to stand on and it’s a waste of taxpayer’s money their holding out. But there you go: watch this space! I’ll post what happens in due course.

Down in the dumps

I’m feeling very depressed.

There are two reasons for this –why do troubles never come singly? I could cope with one, I think, but two together are a bit much to take. So first: I stood for the LibDems in a local Council bye-election. I polled all of 210 votes, as opposed to 584 for the LibDem candidate last May. But this wasn’t low turnout: the winning Conservative candidate scored only 15% less than the previous (winning) Conservative vote, and the Labour candidate dropped only 7.3% of her previous vote: mine, on the same terms, dropped by 61%. Now I know Sir Menzies Campbell hasn’t exactly set the country alight with his charisma, but then he was already leader last May, so that can’t be it. I do get a sense that up here in Newcastle, Geordies do like their own, and a Southern, educated woman simply isn’t what they want in a Councillor. But whatever the reason, it hasn’t taken me long to decide not to dabble any more in local politics: I really don’t think I fit in at all.

And that in itself is depressing. I feel I’ve been judged, not on what and who I am, but on the kind of factors that if they were colour and gender would be illegal. But whilst you can’t discriminate against someone because they’re Asian, you can because they’re Southern – and they do. I don’t think anyone has considered my attitudes to life in general and the kind of issues that are relevant in local politics in particular, and decided that this isn’t what they want – or maybe they have: what they prefer is someone with the more typical Northern working class rooted background who will empathise with them – which I freely admit I won’t – and go for values I simply don’t hold. Even the local LibDems go in for a bit of nepotism: the candidate I replaced (because he didn’t really want to stand) was the son of my agent, whose wife is a LibDem Councillor: and of the seven LibDems on the Council no fewer than four are from the same family (two brothers, the wife of one of them and another close relation, I’m not quite sure what). So one begins to wonder what this is all about, and if it really makes much difference anyway: the one big difference it does make is in the size of the Council Tax, which is big enough up here anyway and likely to go up and up if the current spending plans are anything to go by. Well, I tried: and when you set yourself up and stand, you have to be prepared to be crushed. I just wish it hadn’t been by quite as much.

And there’s a Green factor here. Green is fashionable in politics nowadays: but in practice there’s relatively little sign of it other than the Council recycling which is fair – nowhere for your Yellow Pages, mind, but they do take pretty well everything else. But trying to improve public transport and discourage the use of cars? I see no signs. Saving water? Avoiding artificial fertiliser? Promoting insulation? I’ve seen nothing of these since I’ve been here, apart from a leaflet telling me that if I was poor enough not to be able to afford central heating I could get a grant towards more insulation, and why didn’t I insulate the cavity walls which my house doesn’t have! As a LibDem I could have pushed for Green issues going on the agenda: I doubt the Tory lady will.

And that leads me to a final thought. All three candidates, this time, were women: last time the LibDem was the only man. Could this have helped his vote – are there men who simply won’t vote for a woman councillor, whose prejudices come out in the secrecy of the ballot box? It’s possible: in one ward here, the BNP beat the Tories last time round. That’s disturbing. Do I want to go on living here – that’s the question that is now emerging. A big reason for my depression is that I feel a lack of friends. I have a lot of Quaker friends, of course, and a few still ex colleagues in the OU: but outside those two areas there are only a tiny handful. Finding anyone to go on holiday with has been impossible: I think I’ll have to try the Singles holidays, educational/cultural trips, that sort of thing, where one just might meet someone interesting. Or maybe advertise in The Guardian? And most of the adverts there are from people in the South: perhaps after my divorce, once I’ve got whatever I’m going to get from my ex marital home (precious little if my former spouse has their way) it will indeed be time to move South.

The second factor is that I had in my post today a notice that the court action to settle my dispute with HM Government won’t be until December 15th. This is seriously annoying. I’ve been thinking of investing in a Holiday Club, which gives you cheap holidays outside school holidays by bulk buying unused hotel rooms and flight seats: but I can’t take on the commitment without actually knowing what I’ll eventually get. And apart from that, I’ve now got somehow to find the money to pay the divorce lawyers and I really don’t know where that will come from. I’d been relying on that Government money. (If I’m a bit obscure as to what this is about, it’s a long and complicated story, but maybe I’ll tell it one day!) And meanwhile I’m living on a reduced income, which I’d expected up till about May or June but definitely not into December. I’ve been trying to be patient but it’s been increasingly difficult over the past few months: and now I have to be patient almost three months more, because the December date is the first that the Court and my barrister both have free together. This really is something of an Annus Horribilis for me: I can only just try to keep going and hope it all works out OK in the end.

How green was my valley

After the latest trip to care for my Dad, I went down to South Wales to stay with some friends. They moved there a few years ago from Essex, realising that for what they could get for their little box of a house in London they could buy a decent house with no mortgage in Wales. D. is an entrepreneur, really, though I don’t think he’d really go for that description: he makes most of his living as a DJ (see http://www.dltservices.co.uk/), and by going up to Essex at weekends he can usually make enough for the week’s wages, though he’s moving some of the work down to Wales as well. They have both thrown themselves into the local community: T. organised a charity walk last year for gender-specific cancers which was a great success (see http://www.steppinthevalleys.co.uk/index.htm) and is doing another one in 2007 – all welcome so if, like me, you’re looking to get fitter and lose a bit of weight then do start training and join in! T. is also involved in a project to reclaim an area of wasteland and turn it into a leisure part, with an outdoor gym, an education area, wetlands, trees, and all kinds – a really good place to go with the family for a day. They are putting in a Victorian style iron bridge over the stream and it should provide a habitat for a variety of bird and plant life. I just get lost in admiration at they way these two put their energies to constructive use!

On the Tuesday, we decided to go out for a walk – we set out on a heritage walk, but hadn’t gone very far when we decided instead to climb the mountain opposite. (It’s 550 m high, so qualifies as a mountain.) We took the car as far as the road would allow, to avoid the boring bits, and then went on from there. The views were great, and I was pleasantly surprised to find I could manage the climb without feeling unduly puffed – in fact coming down again was much more difficult on the calves as not all the route was on paths and some was traversing fairly steep slopes. But half way up we could see down into the next valley, where there was a reservoir with a heron standing looking for food: and on the way down we saw some buzzards (sparrowhawks, as D and T prefer to call them) – magnificent birds, hovering over the pasture looking for small furry creatures for lunch, and then swooping down on their prey. Seeing this kind of natural phenomenon, this example of life undamaged by wretched humans and their greed, you feel optimistic and at one with the Cosmos, a small creature in a huge universe and one which has no right to pollute and destroy it as we do. T. is doing more than most to redeem some of the ravages of money-making: would that we all did our bit to that extent, or even were aware of the need! A green valley, indeed, down in Nantyglo and Brynmawr: long may it stay that way.

Green and Yellow

It’s been an interesting few days. Last week, when the weather was still just about OK, my friend Liz and I went down to the Washington Wildfowl Park, part of the Wildfowl and Wetlands trust. I’m ashamed to say that in sixteen years of living in the North East, I’d never been before – and what a treat I’ve been missing. We were able to walk for quite a way, right around the park: starting with the flamingoes, moving on to the feeding area – ever had a duck literally eating out of your hand? I did, amazingly: these birds were really tame and trusting, and we fed them corn which we’d bought at the entrance. Apparently bread isn’t good for birds – think of that next time you go to feed the ducks! There were also some very pretty geese there, smallish white ones (Ross’s Goose and another we couldn’t identify). Then on through the wetlands, stopping at a hide at one point where we saw all the common woodland birds – blue tits, great tits, coal tits, chaffinches, bullfinches, greenfinches and a lovely lesser spotted woodpecker, as well as a predator squirrel getting at the nuts put out for the birds. (Grey squirrel, alas: we have seen red ones in similar circumstances, but they are getting fewer by the year.) Further on we saw half a dozen herons, one flying in the lovely lazy wingflapping way they do. Then back to the centre for tea and the indulgence of chocolate fudge cake (we were good and shared a slice between us, but it was pretty big to start with!). I had such a good time I decided to take up their offer of 20% off a year’s subscription, and joined on the spot. Now I can go back at any time for nothing, and take a friend at a discounted cost – and I think I’ll be doing that quite a bit, it’s only half an hour away in the car.

I had a fairly quiet bank holiday: I’d decided to accept an invitation from the chair of the local Lib Dems (I’m a card-carrying party member, have been for years) to a wine and cheese afternoon. In view of the wine, I went on the Metro, taking a bottle as requested and a jar of my home made marmalade as a small raffle prize. I’d arrived well after the start time, but it hadn't really got going: but more and more people arrived, mostly knowing each other, and I enjoyed some interesting chat with several people. As I was about to go, Colin, the host, asked me if I would do them a big favour. Apparently there’s a bye-election for a councillor in the ward in which I live, at the end of next month, and they wanted a ‘paper candidate’, that is a name to go on the ballot paper so that people who want to vote Lib Dem can do so, though they don’t expect to get many votes and aren’t doing any canvassing or leafletting. I agreed I would be such a name; and then it turns out I need to find a proposer, a seconder and eight other nominators. The first person I asked, a local Quaker friend, said he didn’t actually support the Lib Dems and didn’t feel he could put his name to my candidature. I was, I have to confess, a little disappointed: I don’t think party lines should be held too strongly in local council elections and for myself, a candidate I know and trust to be sensible would always be preferable to an anonymous figure with the ‘right’ party label. But people are different, and that’s the way my friend was. However, my near-neighbours whom I’d recently had to dinner (see the previous posting) were more than willing, and they became my proposer and seconder. Colin returned a day later and said they’d find the other nominators from amongst the party faithful. So now I’m a candidate for the District Council! I don’t think there’s the slightest chance I’ll get in: but it makes me wonder whether it’s worth spending time between now and next May doing some constituency-nursing, some door-stepping to get known and become a face with which people are familiar so that come next May I’ll not be an unknown quantity. This all assumes I’m going to stay here, which isn’t yet decided and won’t be till after Christmas, but it’s a thought… and here was I trying to slow down! However, I met three councillors or ex-councillors, and none of them struck me as having any special knowledge or expertise: just plain, sensible people using their common sense. So maybe I could do as well as any and better than some… and put Green policies forward in a place where they might even be heard! Next stop the House of Commons?

Riches on two legs

It’s been a bit of a frustrating year, financially. I’m owed a good deal of money by HM Government, but it’s been a difficult job actually prising it out of them, and I’m not there yet. But this month has been full of riches of another kind. Last weekend I had a family to stay: the mother I know from sitting on a committee with her, but the rest I’d not met – Dad, looking rather like Terry Pratchett and a most delightful, peaceful man, and the two adopted children, both now in their 20’s and both with Down’s syndrome – and a nicer pair would be hard to find. Michaela (not her real name, I wouldn’t want to embarrass her!) was a real sweetie, and we got on like a house on fire: and Alan (ditto), more seriously affected but nevertheless a young man who was enjoyable to be with. They were all stopping over while they went to a wedding up in Northumberland.

It wasn’t a long visit; they arrived for lunch (salad) on the day of the wedding, an hour later than scheduled because of holiday traffic, changed and went off to the wedding, and came home at 11 pm having all had a great time. The next day we all trooped off to the Quaker Meeting and on the way home, in spite of drizzle, walked over the Millenium Bridge and had a quick look round the Sage, the wonderful pair of concert halls in Gateshead, before coming home to lunch (salad again) and then departing for a further visit to friends of theirs down in Teesdale. They were very appreciative of the quick look at the delights of Newcastle, and I’m hoping that one day before too long they’ll all come again and we’ll be able to do more sightseeing and get out into the glorious country I have on the doorstep.

And then later in the week I had a friend visit, by arrangement, to tell me about putting on a one-woman show which she’s doing later this year. I’m hoping to write this up for a magazine article, to promote both my writing and her show. When you talk about this kind of thing, you necessarily get into quite deep matters: I needed to know how she’d got into theatre in the first place, which in turn meant something of the story of her life. Then that same evening, I had near neighbours round for a meal: I’d run into D. on the metro platform as I was coming home (a sliver of ‘green’ there, no car to town for me!) and put into action a thought I’d had for some time to ask them round. It was a fascinating evening: they had spent some time living in Ethiopia, at the time of the revolution, and had some amazing tales to tell.

Then today I heard that the people who had been going to come last Monday and hadn’t been able to because their son had flu were going to call in on their way home, next Friday. They’ve been cat-sitting, and when my friend told me the name of the person for whom they were sitting I realised I knew her and had worked on a committee with her this last year! So it's going to be lovely to see all this family too.

All this activity has made me reflect that although money has been a bit in short supply, riches have not: my riches walk around on two legs. The only thing of which I’m constantly aware is that so often, green choices cost more and I’ve just not been able to afford to be green. Sometimes this is more in cash, sometimes it’s more in time: I have to go to Brussels next month, and to go on Eurostar would take me the best part of three days, whereas I can fly over in the morning and back in the evening. There’s a dilemma: but I think the answer is going to be to take the plane (it will, after all, go anyway). One of these days we’ll get our through trains from Newcastle to Brussels: but too late for me!

Ups and Downs

I’ve just come back from seeing my Dad in Stratford upon Avon. He’d been coping well with the death of my Mum: indeed I’ve said earlier that he had something of a new lease of life, watching TV and being able to live his life, within his physical limitations, more as he wanted to. But this time he seemed to me to be a little in decline: his speech was quiet and throaty and he didn’t have the lucidity that he’d had for most of my previous visit.

We did manage to get a lot of business done. I’m still writing lots of letters to people where he had investments jointly with Mum, sending out a copy of the death certificate which is becoming a tad dog-eared by now, getting people to reply to me as I’m doing most of his finances now. It was, I think, a mistake to present him with six letters at once to sign: he read them for about an hour, with an uncomprehending look on his face, and in the end it was his lunchtime and he still hadn’t signed any of them. He wouldn’t let me read them to him and explain them: next time I think I’ll do that anyway, and one letter at a time. But eventually, after lunch, he did sign them all and I was able to get them in the post.

I felt slightly guilty that the visit was also a good social time for me. On the first afternoon, I met a friend for coffee: she had just had a lovely baby boy, four weeks old, and it was a real joy to meet them both. She was telling me all about the problems she and her husband had been facing and how they were coping – or not: they are going to be cat-sitting in Scotland later this month and will stay the night with me en route, which will be lovely. She and I just never seem to run out of things to talk about: she’s one of those people whom it’s great to have as a friend.

And then the next evening I was out to dinner, with Quaker friends in Birmingham. I did my green bit by going by train: the last train home to Stratford itself is at a ridiculously early hour, about 8 if I remember rightly, so I drove to Warwick Parkway and went up the excellent Chiltern line from there – no problem with last trains, the last is 11.23 pm! Good and cheap – but why don’t they encourage the use of their evening trains by making parking free, or at least reduced, at their stations? I had to pay for a full day’s parking even though I was on the 6.32 pm train, and that’s hardly an encouragement to use public transport and not drive all the way. If there had been two of us I’d have certainly driven, as it would have been both cheaper and quicker and less constrained by train times: for one, thankfully, it’s still cheaper and easier by train. But come on, train companies: do your bit! Make the parking free after 6 pm and watch your revenue rise.

It was a lovely dinner: my friend Marlene (one of three friends I have with that name!) had done a tasty mixed starter with prawns, coleslaw and crudités and then chicken in a wonderful creamy sauce, followed by an assortment of fresh soft fruit – raspberries, strawberries, blackberries, grapes and mandarin segments – with cream and ice cream. I went home full to bursting – a definite overeat. One of these days, soon, I’ll start dieting seriously, but as I write I’m aware of having had a cooked breakfast – bacon, egg, black pudding, mushrooms and tomato on toast – and now eating a starter – whitebait – before my main veggie course of Creamy Leek Croustade, as featured in the Cranks recipe book. Tasty, but not the way to reduce a very bulging stomach. I might even contemplate joining a gym, and seeing if I can’t really get this tum down and my fitness up. Then I could walk even more.. green or what!

Green on holiday?

I’ve had four lovely days in Chester, staying with a Quaker friend and going to three concerts in the Chester Music Festival. Highly recommended: the young piano trio who played the Beethoven ‘Archduke’ trio were superb, giving new insights into a work I know well. Gothic Voices, famous for ‘Feather on the Breath of God’, the music of Hildegarde of Bingen, gave a fascinating and informative concert, marred only by their having to compete with the local fire brigade who for some inexplicable reason were doing an exercise putting a man on the cathedral roof – a failure of communication, they should have been told to come back and do it next week when the festival was over! And finally the Royal Liverpool Philharmonic performing Mahler’s great Resurrection Symphony, a huge work of hope and optimism in the end after a terrifying opening of funeral rites: so well done we stood and cheered at the end.

I’d gone by car. The UK is simply not designed for side to side rail travel! And actually I’d changed plans at the last minute – twice – because a friend was planning to visit right at the start of the week and then moved it to the following week: so it would have been prohibitively expensive. I can’t afford spontaneity! It does seem a bit anti-green of the railway companies to penalise the late booker so much: why can’t they do a standby system like the airlines used to, whereby those who use up the unsold seats get them at reduced prices, not increased ones.

But the house where I was staying was about half a mile from the city walls, so I walked in and back each day, good for my exercise regime. It’s an amazing city, Chester: there are mediaeval shops there, double-storied, unlike anywhere else in the UK. These are really ancient monuments but they are used for ordinary things like the sofa shop which has an interior almost unchanged in four or five centuries. It’s living history. I’d gone because someone had told me how good the Roman bits were – and foolishly I never checked it out first in my English Heritage book: but in fact that was one of the two disappointments, there is a dig of an amphitheatre and that’s about it for Roman. (The other disappointment was the river cruise, which was up the Dee, pretty and tree-lined but with no really distinguishing features, on a boat where I had to queue for 20 minutes to get a drink!)

A pleasant holiday, nevertheless. I was staying with a friend who lives a very simple life – no television, little alcohol, veggie eating: if we all lived like that, somehow the nation would be better, more peaceful, more at one with itself. My friend has been peacemaking in Israel, putting herself in danger to try to bring understanding, but with tonight’s news of Israel bombing a UN post this seems unlikely. But one must try, and she did; I’ve every admiration for that.

Back home, then, for a busy weekend: a friend to stay on Friday with whom I did a workshop on erosion of Civil Liberties (read Henry Porter in ‘The Observer’, or see their website, to see more; it’s horrific what’s going on), a couple for dinner, then another friend to stay for three very happy days. And only today have I had time to recover, wash, shop and begin on all the domestics I’d been putting off. My friend texted me to say ‘back to reality’ – but I replied that her visit was the reality, the nitty-gritty real world was the illusion! I shall visit her domain in the Spring: reality will set in again then.

The Merry Widower?

It’s hard to tell how my Dad is taking things. He must be missing Mum a lot: they were married for 67 years, after all. But she was a very controlling woman, and now he’s able to watch television (and fall asleep in front of it) and rustle the paper and drop it all over the floor to his heart’s content, he does seem to have perked up a good deal. This week, Janet, one of his carers, took him out in his wheelchair. It has a motor assistance underneath, so she can push him quite easily for some distance. She took him up to the Royal Shakespeare Theatre coffee shop and bought him tea and cakes, then on to Woolworths to choose a photo frame. He wants this for two pressed flowers, one from Mum’s garden and one from her funeral wreath, along with a photo of her. I think it will be a lovely memento, and will give him much comfort.

Anyway, the day after this outing, he was very bright and perky. He was awake all morning – unusual for him – and we chatted for nearly an hour, which is unheard of – I don’t ever remember chatting that long even when he and I were much younger! Mum would never let him go out if there was any wind: but I think if he’s wrapped up warm, the fresh air keeps his brain going, and being confined to barracks is a major contributing factor to his moments of confusion. It’s as well he was having a lucid period, as we needed to get him to understand and execute a power of attorney so I can run his finances for him. He never signs anything without looking at it for ages, so it’s really slow if you actually want something done! (At least he signed a cheque for all the money I’d spent on his behalf, though.)

I suppose it’s early days yet: next Tuesday will be a month since Mum died. To me it doesn’t seem any time at all: I’d been vaguely wondering if it would become clear in two or three months whether Dad would be able to cope, but now I think it will take longer than that. I’m so aware than many couples of long duration follow one another quite quickly, but I’m not at all sure that this will be the case with Dad: but then, he’s 94 and his own health isn’t exactly A1.

But we’ve done a bit of ‘greening’, nevertheless. Mum used to have heaters on all the time, even in high Summer, because she felt the cold: as we discovered, she had a lot of arteriosclerosis and so must have had very limited circulation. And the immersion heater was on 24/7: I’ve now got the carers to have it on in the morning (hot water for the washing machine) and turn it off at teatime, which will save Dad money and the Planet a little as well. So I’m doing my greenish bit down there as well as up here – though it does concern me, the amount of petrol I’m burning going up and down the A1/M1 all the time. I’ve been three times since mid June, and will go again at the very end of July, so it’s lots of miles – but I can’t do what’s needed quickly enough without a car, and things like shopping are really hard as there’s no bus to where my Dad lives. They did try a wonderful pollution free electric bus (well, only the pollution from making the electricity!) which went round the town, but that would have meant two bus rides – not free for me down there, why can’t my ‘free bus travel’ cover the UK instead of only my home area?! – and shopping would have taken about three hours. I don’t like to leave Dad that long, though of course I’m leaving him three weeks at the moment! And if I do move to Banbury, the drive over will take half an hour, but the train takes an hour and a half – so I ain’t using the train a lot!! Time and Greenness is so often a conflict. As ever, one has to strike a balance: at least I’m making some sort of effort to decrease Dad’s footprint as well as my own.

What to do when someone dies

I was glad the hospital had given me a booklet. ‘Which’ magazine used to do a little book with the same title as this post, but where my Dad’s copy is I’ve no idea: probably Mum threw it out as unnecessary (!).

So first I had to get in touch with the coroner: because Mum had died in hospital following an operation, the death had been referred to him. The Coroner’s office were a model of helpfulness. They explained the procedures and timings, and they had said a post-mortem would be needed in order to establish beyond doubt the cause of death, and that it had been arranged for the following day (Tuesday – the contact was on the Monday, the day after Mum died). And indeed on the Tuesday at lunchtime the coroner rang to say that it was all done and he could release the death certificate, which meant we could get on with the funeral arrangements and with registering the death: he’d faxed the necessary document through to the registrar.

Meanwhile we’d had some angst as to what to do about the funeral. Mum had originally put in her will that she wanted to be buried, but in fact this was a little inconsistent with her leaving her body to Birmingham University, and there had always been a question mark over whether they would take it. She had then left a subsequent note asking her executors to disregard the clause about being buried: she wanted to be cremated after the hospital or anyone else had finished with the body. I hadn’t known this: if I had, I’d have talked to her about green funerals, which weren’t much known about in 1989 when she made her will. Birmingham University had left a helpful and informative leaflet about bequeathing bodies to them, and amongst other things the leaflet made it clear that if there had been a post-mortem then they could not accept a body in any circumstances. So that option was out: it seemed that cremation was then the expressed wish.

I wasn’t yet convinced: I felt that Mum might well have felt differently in the current awareness of climate change and the need to avoid adding carbon dioxide to the atmosphere. So with the help of my friend Marlene in Birmingham, I investigated a little further. There is a green burial ground in that part of the world: but although it’s called a ‘woodland’, in fact it’s currently a field. A tree is planted within a year of an interment – presumably you have to wait for the right time of year – so eventually the field will be full of trees. But there is no marking of individual graves: we would not have known where Mum was, only that she was ‘somewhere in there’. We all felt this wasn’t adequate: we need somewhere to meet and bring flowers on anniversaries and go out for a meal together afterwards. So in the end I swallowed the green implications and arranged a cremation: it was, after all, what Mum had explicitly asked for. I’d chosen the Co-op Funeral Service, as being as good as any and one who at least knew about the green funerals: so after registering Mum’s death in Leamington, I went to see them to fix it. We had to go for a date not too near because of nephews flying back from Bahrein and Montreal, but we’d got a tentative date arranged and it proved possible, so I booked it. I had to make other decisions, too, without consulting: did we want a Minister (yes – I didn’t think we could do the service ourselves and remain steady-voiced), what sort of flowers (I chose a spray of lilies that in the end looked lovely, to be from Dad and my sister and me), what about other flowers (family only, donations to RNIB as Mum was blind), notice in the paper (yes, but very simple, listing no relatives lest anyone get upset at being missed out). I said I’d write a tribute to Mum, which I’ll put on here as the next posting: my sister Hilary altered it a bit (the posting will be the original version that I still think is better – my sis hasn’t too much sense of literary style and was going to leave out Mum’s greatest achievement as a young woman, playing in a recital at the Wigmore Hall of which my sister had never heard!!), and suggested that one of the grandchildren (her oldest) might read a poem chosen by her youngest. I agreed to all of that: I wasn’t going to have rifts in the family at such a time. Then the night before the funeral Hilary rang again to say her son would like to read the tribute (he’d loved my original, as did his brother!) and let someone else read the poem! Ho hum… so I rang the vicar who was great about it and fixed it all, and my oldest daughter Clare who agreed to read the poem.

On the day I’d fixed a wheelchair taxi to take my Dad, the first time he’d been in a car for about two years. Hilary and I went with him, her in front with the driver and me in the back with Dad. It all worked OK at the Crematorium, though Scott in the end found it difficult to maintain composure towards the end of the tribute, which was precisely why I’d thought it better to have the Minister read it. It was really good that all seven of the grandchildren were able to be there. Then back to the sheltered housing where Dad still lives, me again with him in the taxi as Hilary was showing a friend the way, for what I’d arranged as tea and sandwiches but where Hilary had insisted on having a glass of wine available (and yes, I had one, I needed it by then!) Dad’s carers were wonderful, looking after him all the time and taking some of the burden off me. They took him back home after a bit as he was feeling tired: and then when everyone was dispersing I asked the family about going out together for a meal, which I’d mentioned long before. But they all had other things to go to, and in the end all Hilary’s family went back to Scott’s – I think they were going to eat at a riverside pub near there, but they didn’t ask me if I wanted to come, and I was left alone with my Dad and our collective emotions. This was the hardest part of the day, and by the end I was praying for the carers to come and put him to bed with his sleeping pill: but of course they were running late because of the funeral and time seemed to drag on endlessly. But eventually they arrived, we tucked him up and I hugged him and kissed him goodnight, and went to watch the world cup, blessed distraction. I felt totally deserted, totally alone: I felt everyone else had come, done their bit, and signed off, but for me there is no signing off, there’s my Dad to look after. At half time I rang Liz, just for a moan and a voice, and she as ever was very calming: and after the match I had another glass of wine and went to bed myself, the end of a long, hard day.

The day my Mum died

My niece Michele rang at about half past eleven on Wednesday (14th), to say the hospital were worried about Mum’s condition and thought we should get down there. So I packed, did the things that were vital – my divorce going on all in the middle of this – and drove down to Warwick, arriving about seven in the evening and having realised en route that I’d left behind my eyedrops, without which my incipient glaucoma would get quickly worse. I went to the ward and met my sister Hilary and her daughter who’d rung earlier. Mum was showing no signs of being conscious: she was breathing rather heavily from an oxygen mask. I asked the nurses first about her blood pressure, which was apparently up a little (relief!) and then if there was any way they could help over the eyedrops. They were marvellous: they sent me round to casualty where a helpful doctor wrote a prescription straight away, and the nurses gave us excellent directions to find the only pharmacy still open (Sainsbury’s in Leamington, if you need a late chemist down that way!). Hils, Mich and I decided we could do no good staying with an unconscious Mum, and so went to get the drops and then have a meal in a pleasant riverside pub nearly. They then went back to the Travelodge where they were staying, and I to my parent’s flat in Stratford.

Next morning we met again at the hospital: Mum was still showing few signs of consciousness, though she did appear to open her eyes occasionally, and to make small muscle movements. The other two stayed till lunch, then decided they should go home, Hilary telling me quietly that Michele was getting very upset and as she might be newly pregnant it was doing her no good to be there. I stayed with Mum until late, and went back home at about 7.30, by which time Dad had been put to bed but wasn’t yet asleep, so I could give him a hug and a progress report. This was the pattern on Friday and Saturday too: I stayed with Mum all day, wondering if she was at all aware of my being there and holding her hand, slipping out to the hospital canteen for lunch, reading, snoozing, doing the odd Sudoku and finally going home at around 7.30. As I got up to go on Saturday, one of the other patients said to me ‘You’ve had a long day’: it was good just to have an acknowledgement that what I was doing, sitting with a dying parent, wasn’t easy. The carers all popped in from time to time, and one thought Mum was beginning to recover, but the nurses made it clear to me that recovery wasn’t happening, they had no way of feeding Mum that would allow her to build up any energy: though on Saturday, ironically as it turned out, the dietician asked me to choose some liquid food for the next day in case Mum was well enough to take it.

At 4.45 a.m. on Sunday, the hospital rang to say Mum had deteriorated and they felt I should come in. I threw on some clothes, grabbed a quick plate of cereal so I would not be feeling too weak, and drove though the empty streets. I arrived just as she was taking her last breath. The nurse with me said ‘she’s gone’, and she turned off the oxygen and removed the mask, and I could see my mum’s familiar face properly. Then, tactfully, she left us alone together as Mum began on that last journey. It takes a time to die: there are plenty of cases of people who stop breathing and are resuscitated a few minutes later. Brain activity slows and stops, and the soul takes a careful leave of the body that it has inhabited, particularly if like my Mum it has been there a long, long time. Mum had had her 94th birthday ten days earlier.

I stayed an hour. When I first thought it might be time to go, I kissed Mum and pulled the sheet gently over her head: but I just couldn’t do it, I couldn’t leave this lovely, amazing woman who had been so important to me all the years of my life. Maybe Mum hadn’t quite gone at that point, and was holding me back until she had truly finished her time on earth, this time round. After another quarter hour or so, I tried again. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, leaving her there, even though in fact she had left me and there was only the empty husk.

The charge nurse was, as ever, very helpful. She explained the procedure: Mum’s death had to be referred to the coroner because it had been following an operation from which she had not recovered. She gave me a booklet that described what I had to do: it looked very complicated but in fact this was only because it tried to cover all eventualities. She gave me a hug, and she too had tears in her eyes. She asked if I was OK to drive home, and I said yes: it was still only about 7 am on Sunday morning and I knew there would be little traffic. So I walked, finally, out of the hospital, back to the car, and drove home. It was hard, but by concentrating on driving very precisely I found I could postpone the overwhelming emptiness for long enough to get home safely. Dad was still asleep: I had to come the task of telling him that his wife of 67 years was no more.

I made a cup of coffee, and waited in total aloneness until just before the carers were due to get Dad up, at 9 a.m. Then I slipped into his bedroom, hugged him, and told him I’d been to the hospital because Mum had been worse, and that she had died early that morning. He said ‘Oh, dear’: he sounded half asleep at the time, and when the carers arrived I told them too. As they got him up, I heard him asking ‘how’s Audrey?’: they avoided replying. When he was in his chair, dressed and waiting for breakfast, I told him again, putting my arms round him and saying very clearly that Mum had died. This time he said ‘Oh, no…’, and I think he began to realise what I’d said, because in a little he asked when the funeral would be. I explained that we had to wait for the coroner and there might have to be a post mortem, which would affect whether her body could be used by Birmingham University Medical school, which she’d wanted. He didn’t cry, not then, and simply sat, eating his weetabix as normal and saying nothing. Meanwhile I started to make lists of people to tell, and then ringing my sister and then my children. It being Sunday, I couldn’t do anything about banks and officials.

I don’t know how I got through the rest of the day. Nobody else came: there was just me and Dad, and the carers when they arrived. I have to confess I was relieved when they finally put Dad to bed with a sleeping pill, and I could weep and then get some supper and go to bed myself. Bless the World Cup: it was a welcome distraction. And I knew there were more difficult days to come: but that this one had been, perhaps, the most difficult of all.

Ups and downs

My sister Hilary rang at lunchtime to say things had all gone pear shaped: Mum's blood pressure was very low and they were giving her a transfusion, but rated her chances at about 50-50. My sister was asked whether they should try to resuscitate Mum if her heart stopped, or not: what a decision to have thrust on you! She said no: Mum has never wanted to be just kept alive, and if it's time for her to go she'd rather just go, she's said that before. I agreed, when I talked to Hilary, and gave her what support I could: she'd just got home and was very tired, both physically and emotionally. When I rang the hospital, they said that Mum's blood pressure was rising a little, and she was a bit better, and later this evening they said she was definitely better than she had been in the morning. So we'll see what they say tomorrow, and if need be I'll go down then to be with her. But that will mean not doing the day of teaching I have planned for Saturday, which will let a lot of people down, and I don't want to do that: it's a very hard decision to make. I suppose that if there's any risk of her dying, I'll go to be with her: I'd feel very unhappy if I'd stayed away and she died without anyone there. Ah well... we plan and life turns out differently - and so, of course, does death. Nothing prepares you: not even knowing your parents are 94 and cannot last much longer prepares you for the actual event. I thought I was cool about it, an almost welcome peaceful end to a long life with a lot of happy times: but I've been distracted and out of myself all day. And writing this has helped: I'm now clearer that going is what is to be done.

Oh, Mother!

My Mum was 94 last Thursday: and yesterday she grabbed a towel instead of a grab handle (she'd had the most convenient one removed because she felt it was in her way) and fell over and broke her hip. So now she's in hospital in Warwick, having it mended - or possibly partially replaced - and she'll be there the next ten days. My Dad, who is something of a victim, apparently perked up as soon as they took Mum off in the ambulance, and has been much more lively and awake than usual, watching television and generally taking an interest. It worries me that Mum doesn't let him watch TV, she's blind so she can't see it and so she kept telling him to 'turn off that racket' until he stopped bothering to turn it on. And so, denied the only pleasures he has left, because he's pretty immobile and at present can't even be taken outside the house, he sits and dozes all day - but what else is there for him to do! Mum listens to talking books, but both of them must be pretty bored with the daylight hours when the carers aren't there. I think they'd be happier in a home, but Mum won't hear of it. It's a bit daft, though, when they build flats for old people where every door has a step up to it, and the main entrance is into a porch about three feet square with a right angled turn to get into the house - not the remotest possibility of wheelchair access.

Meanwhile they live in temperatures that would make a sauna seem cool, expending energy with gay abandon as if the planet had no tomorrow. And this, too, worries me: in a home they would at least be sharing the energy use with many others. Their electricity bill is over £80 per month, and that's not keeping pace with their useage - and that's in the summer! I want to get a room thermometer to see just how hot it is in there, but it won't make any difference: when my mother has decided she wants something, she decides everyone else wants it too and that is what will happen, and evidence to the contrary is just not welcomed. As a child, I never had to work out what I wanted, because Mum told me: it took me ages in later life to learn how to develop my own tastes, and even now I have problems over choosing what I want.

But I wonder, now, how far old people generally don't see green issues as relevant to them. Neither of my parents has much sense of taste left: fresh organic chicken to them tastes the same as frozen battery cardboard, and they can't really chew meat at all anyway. My mum always has an excuse - it's undercooked, it's overcooked, it's too dry or whatever: and she can't see what she's eating which must make it very hard for her. But the carer who shops for her has no idea at all about the Planet, and buys a curious mixture of 'the Best' expensive stuff which she can't appreciate and the cheap 'value' brand which is mostly factory produced food. When I'm there I transform their shopping and eating, and if I get moved down there I can do it all for them: but there must be millions of older people for whom the kind of issues even faint-hearted greenish people like me think are important just don't exist. And what, pray, do we all do about that, without abusing the elderly?

So what's greenish here?

Apart from the text colour, that is! Well, I've become aware more and more in the last year or so of the increasingly urgent need to save the planet. I've been partially aware for some time: I did an Adult Ed. course at Newcastle University some years ago called 'put your money where your mouth is', which was about practical ways in which to have a lighter footprint on the Earth. It was quite an eye-opener: some things most people think are being green simply move the problem one step further up a chain, for example. But it didn't affect my behaviour a lot: I was already recycling bottles and cans and newspapers, long before we had recycling bins, and I wasn't a profligate car user - though I did go to my green classes as one person in a Vauxhall Cavalier, which was rather defeating the object! Now I'm much more aware of what is possible, and I started this blog on June 6th which was World Environment Day - I'd signed the pledge the day before, at the Farmers Market (there you go, buying local produce, mostly organic, very expensive but better tasting and better for the planet) to say the things I'd do or already did. I was doing most of them - showering of necessity, because six weeks after having an abcess on my back lanced it still needs dressings on it, and using low energy light bulbs. And since they made both metro (we have this great local rail system in Newcastle and I live about 300 metres from a station) and bus travel free for ancients like me, I've been using both a lot more and the car much less for local journeys. I even put the statutory brick in the loo cistern, and it's a relatively small cistern anyway: if I was staying here I'd have the bathroom and loo both redone, with a dual flush system.

But: I know I'm rather half-hearted. Like the meat-eating when so many of my friends feel it right to be veggie but I just don't want to give up rump steak, there are other things I don't want to stop. I want to travel abroad, as soon as I can afford it (my pension muddle will be sorted very soon and I'll have some back pay!): one of my ambitions is to go to the opera in Sydney, and I don't take too kindly to being tutted at by people who have already been to the Antipodes. But maybe I will give something to an environmental charity to compensate for the emissions of my flight - for I've neither the time nor money for a boat. I looked at crossing the Atlantic on a ship and it's about five times the cost of flying, or similar to going club. And sometimes, like when I go to visit my aged parents, a car is pretty essential: I can't do as much for them on foot, I've tried going by train and it has serious disadvantages. There's no bus, not now, to their little complex: there was a lovely electric tram (how green can you get!) but they took it off.

I do try. I go to my Quaker Meeting now by metro, even though it means getting up earlier in order to get the train. I've even been to committee meetings by metro, though I don't like standing alone at night on Jesmond station waiting for a train: as a woman on your own, you do feel rather vulnerable. I drink organic milk, though it's not local - it might be better to drink local milk but then I'd have to drive to get it! So there are always going to be compromises. What I'd be interested in is any comments with new and different suggestions for a greener lifestyle, beyond the obvious ones that I either follow already or simply aren't willing or able to follow. I want my great grandchidren to survive: after watching the second David Dimbleby programme last week I began to wonder if it was even worth trying. The political will, particularly amongst the middle-of-the-road Americans, seems to be totally lacking, and without the USA on board the planet is doomed anyway. When they have a president who's seen the effects of Katrina but still isn't convinced that climate change is a reality now, let alone in the future, then really do we have any hope, at least till he's gone. I curse the way they ran that election in Florida, for Gore won there without a shadow of doubt: and we might have had a planet left with him. But then, when a sizeable proportion of a nation's population believe in creationism, you do wonder quite how backward that nation is.

I don't want to end on such a pessimistic note, however. I do think that if enough of us do enough to make it clear to our political leaders that yes, we do want to save the Earth and yes, we will pay more to do so, then there is hope and the Americans might just follow where we lead. If Britain is top nation for environmental care, the US will surely want to beat us: and then we may just be in time to save not only the Polar Bear but also the whole Earth.