Ups and downs

My sister Hilary rang at lunchtime to say things had all gone pear shaped: Mum's blood pressure was very low and they were giving her a transfusion, but rated her chances at about 50-50. My sister was asked whether they should try to resuscitate Mum if her heart stopped, or not: what a decision to have thrust on you! She said no: Mum has never wanted to be just kept alive, and if it's time for her to go she'd rather just go, she's said that before. I agreed, when I talked to Hilary, and gave her what support I could: she'd just got home and was very tired, both physically and emotionally. When I rang the hospital, they said that Mum's blood pressure was rising a little, and she was a bit better, and later this evening they said she was definitely better than she had been in the morning. So we'll see what they say tomorrow, and if need be I'll go down then to be with her. But that will mean not doing the day of teaching I have planned for Saturday, which will let a lot of people down, and I don't want to do that: it's a very hard decision to make. I suppose that if there's any risk of her dying, I'll go to be with her: I'd feel very unhappy if I'd stayed away and she died without anyone there. Ah well... we plan and life turns out differently - and so, of course, does death. Nothing prepares you: not even knowing your parents are 94 and cannot last much longer prepares you for the actual event. I thought I was cool about it, an almost welcome peaceful end to a long life with a lot of happy times: but I've been distracted and out of myself all day. And writing this has helped: I'm now clearer that going is what is to be done.